Moopyvision 2000-2009: Round 6 - Malta, Portugal, Bulgaria & Hungary RESULTS

[Una Kratz Per San Marino]

‘mown down like a toddler at a Chiara cruise ship buffet’

 

[ButterTart]

10th: Lynn Chircop - To Dream Again (51pts)

@Diddy WRONG that a woman wouldn't come last here!

God, imagine being a popstar called Lynn. Anyway, after the wild success of 7th Wonder the year prior, Malta clearly decided twee was the way forward and sent this Barbra Streisand Febreze advert to the hypercompetitive 2003 contest, before promptly getting mown down like a toddler at a Chiara cruise ship buffet and coming second last with just four points (three from the Irish jury and one from the Portuguese viewers). Lynn, unsurprisingly, has never been heard from again, but to be fair we haven't spoken ever since I killed her dog.

1 x 12 (@Suomi)
6 x 0 (@ButterTart, @VoR, @Diddy, @dmlaw, @ZenGiraffe, @RJN)

She's quite the stunner. Looks like she applies her make up by standing in front of an industrial turbine while someone throws Maybelline at it.

 

[Una Kratz Per San Marino]

She's quite the stunner. Looks like she applies her make up by standing in front of an industrial turbine while someone throws Maybelline at it.

 

[Soldi Elektronike]

Suomi are you ok

 

[Una Kratz Per San Marino]

I’ll never get over her mooching about with the flower either. Peak props.

 

[Marina Salty]

Last place seems a little harsh for poor unimpressive but yet decent Lynn.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

9th: Chiara - What If We (74pts)

Third time's the charm, eh?

Bless the queens that spend the best part of their discretionary income for the year on going out to whichever city the contest pilots off to each year and pretending to do intrepid citizen journalism. In 2009, despite being faced with the most overwhelmingly obvious winner of our time in Fairytale Illusion, plenty of them kept up the charade with Chiara and dutifully asked her on her third bow for Malta at the contest "so, you came third the first time you entered, then second the second time you entered...where are you gonna come now it's the third time you're entering?", receiving a sphinx-like ";)" in response each time (which I am choosing to interpret as meaning "in a NICE ASS")

Anyway, this completely cratered come the final results up against younger, hotter, and frankly better competition in the likes of Yohanna and Jade Ewen, finishing 22nd. The fact the backing track sounds like a regional news bulletin has never endeared it to me - nor the Maltese broadcaster, who brought in an absolutely TRANSPARENT rule barring Maltese contestants from entering again for five years afterwards after this Chiara has since not been seen again in the Maltese selection, even after the ban lapsing, and has lately taken to manning the cruise ship circuit. All's well that ends well, eh?

1 x 10 (@Suomi)
4 x 0 (@Penelope, @Soldi, @David 5000, @Kevin7)

 

[TiShh]

I love it in a nothingy basic bottom ballad way.

 

[Soldi Elektronike]

Oh I just can’t with any of Chiara’s entries.

BORE OFF LOVE you’re no MORENA

 

[win_the_game]

Chiara has since not been seen again in the Maltese selection, even after the ban lapsing, and has lately taken to manning the cruise ship circuit. All's well that ends well, eh?

I do hope @VoR has booked up for An Evening With Chiara.

 

[Music]

Did people genuinely think Chiara had a shot in 2009?!

 

[dzjermlaw]

Is Suomi that one jury member who did all of their votes upside down?

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Did people genuinely think Chiara had a shot in 2009?!

I can ONLY ASSUME they were humouring her! (either that or a bit dim)

 

[THEY CALL ME GAJA]

What If We has a very good dance remix, the last 30 seconds of this shows what could have been

 

[win_the_game]

Avowed socialist Dr Lynn Chircop was last seen trying to be elected for the Maltese Labour party so she's alright in my book.

 

[ButterTart]

9th: Chiara - What If We (74pts)

Third time's the charm, eh?

Bless the queens that spend the best part of their discretionary income for the year on going out to whichever city the contest pilots off to each year and pretending to do intrepid citizen journalism. In 2009, despite being faced with the most overwhelmingly obvious winner of our time in Fairytale Illusion, plenty of them kept up the charade with Chiara and dutifully asked her on her third bow for Malta at the contest "so, you came third the first time you entered, then second the second time you entered...where are you gonna come now it's the third time you're entering?", receiving a sphinx-like ";)" in response each time (which I am choosing to interpret as meaning "in a NICE ASS")

Anyway, this completely cratered come the final results up against younger, hotter, and frankly better competition in the likes of Yohanna and Jade Ewen, finishing 22nd. The fact the backing track sounds like a regional news bulletin has never endeared it to me - nor the Maltese broadcaster, who brought in an absolutely TRANSPARENT rule barring Maltese contestants from entering again for five years afterwards after this Chiara has since not been seen again in the Maltese selection, even after the ban lapsing, and has lately taken to manning the cruise ship circuit. All's well that ends well, eh?

1 x 10 (@Suomi)
4 x 0 (@Penelope, @Soldi, @David 5000, @Kevin7)

I've realised who Chiara reminds me of. Ted Robbins.

 

[Una Kratz Per San Marino]

That ban was SO mean spirited

I am surprised the peoples of Malta didn’t RISE UP in REVOLUTION at the silencing of their beloved Chiara.

 

[Marina Salty]

How ungrateful of the broadcaster though.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

8th: Morena - Vodka (88pts)

Yes, Chiara's no Morena - but only barely

Another star turn from Malta's very own Lennon & McCartney/G:son & Boström, VELLA & BORG (), this hypercharged Russophile fluff probably came a year too early and ended up falling flat on its face in the semis in Belgrade. That always felt like a bit of a surprise result to me, but watching back it's actually a fairly forgettable performance considering how batshit the track it's accompanying is - it could've totally done with a giant shotglass and maybe some nesting doll action to help it stick in the mind a little more (either that or it potentially fell victim to a "why is this country sending an entry that should be from another country???" trend, which I always half suspect strikes down entries that seem a bit migrated)

One that struck down a very well-regarded bit of nonsense in the national finals too here, with Claudia Faniello having to play bridesmaid with this ludicrous bit of Fame-aping bollocks in the MaltaSong (while having her portrait painted LIVE )



4 x 10 (@ButterTart, @Soldi, @Music, @David 5000)
3 x 0 (@Kratz, @Broomhelga, @krang)

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Avowed socialist Dr Lynn Chircop was last seen trying to be elected for the Maltese Labour party so she's alright in my book.

Probably the most corrupt Labour party in the world though!

 

[THEY CALL ME GAJA]

Is Suomi that one jury member who did all of their votes upside down?

To Dream Again uses space to convey meaning, and What If We is is the sound of a shooting star. They both portray what Malta does best at Eurovision, which is sending songs that sound like they belong in the last third of a musical.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

To Dream Again uses space to convey meaning

I'm totally using this one when my eventual Eurovision entry 'Nightdance (Shall We Play Barley Break?)' gets 0 from most other countries

 

[Marina Salty]

"why is this country sending an entry that should be from another country???" trend, which I always half suspect strikes down entries that seem a bit migrated

true

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

What If We is is the sound of a shooting star

Also I'm totally using this one when my eventual Eurovision entry 'Nightdance (Shall We Play Barley Break?)' gets 0 from most other countries and I go on a crazed AK-47 rampage in the green room after

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

7th: Julie & Ludwig - On Again...Off Again (89pts)

HOLY HELL at this MORTIFYING GAY NONSENSE! Truly the sound of 'RobotBoy - the closet girlfriend years'.

This managed to scrape its way into the top twelve, earning Chiara an autoqualified berth in Kyiv the year after. Since then Julie has done a stint in the UK as a singing coach, while Ludwig has kept up a role as an intrepid whistleblower on corrupt shenanigans on home ground - Malta being probably the second most corrupt nation in the EU after Bulgaria, with those who ask too many questions having a habit of ending up blown up or stabbed multiple times (but if you're wondering why the next results are late, odds are that it's probably just that I'm in a P-hole again) - exposing the broadcaster's attempts to manipulate the odds for Destiny last year using taxpayers' money. Good luck staying alive Ludwig!

2 x 10 (@Tisch, @Ill Advised)
1 x 0 (@Suomi)

 

[Una Kratz Per San Marino]

Imagine how much more fabulous UK politics (and Eurovision) would have been if Malta had joined when it asked to?

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

5th: Fabrizio Faniello - I Do (106pts) / 6th: Fabrizio Faniello - Another Summer Night (98pts)

A two for one on Fab Fanny here as he follows an exceptionally well-traveled gay Bildungsroman - the basic but charming twink years, followed by the high-octane club years that appealed to absolutely nobody other than his fellow mincers

The first time was very much the charm, with a fairly on-trend track (triumphing over FOUR Ira Losco entries in its national final ) cruising into the top ten with ease and - so @VoR informs me - actually going on to be something of a summer hit in Scandinavia. Going on to have a Swedish hit in 2004 with I'm In Love (The Whistle Song), a triumphant comeback in a cummerbund must have seemed a veritable SINE QUA NON chez Faniello five years later...

...alas, absolutely belting banger I Do may have been, it wasn't to be. You can practically sense Mihai and Carola offstage licking their lips at how much they were on the verge of cannibalising all of the votes for this and leaving all of the bones after clean for scraps - and so it was, with poor brave Fanny being left with just one sad consolation point from the Albanian jury, a spiritual nul pointer in all but name. You can only hope he had a decent holiday fling storyline over the rehearsals fortnight with Andreas from Alcazar (guesting for Switzerland on six4one) to make the price of entry at least worth the failure.

Fab Fanny came out as having a drug problem in 2015, but has been in recovery as the face of Malta's leading drug charity Caritas since and has been clean for six years, which definitely counts as a happy ending if nothing else. QUEEN!

Another Summer Night
2 x 12 (@auretz, @RJN)
2 x 0 (@Pingu, @Tisch)

I Do
1 x 10 (@auretz)
1 x 0 (@Queen of the Bay)

 

[RJN]

Fabrizio Faniello was robbed

 

[ButterTart]

Fanny really is one of the most terrifying people on the planet. He's what Charlotte Perrelli would have been if she ever had too much or not enough surgery.

 

[THEY CALL ME GAJA]

My favourite of his 23 national final songs is NO SURRENDER, which is the most @ButterTart at Melfest entry of all time

 

[dzjermlaw]

Imagine if the two Fabrizio songs hadn’t finished next to each other and poor Penelope had to do another write up.

 

[RJN]

My favourite of his 23 national final songs is NO SURRENDER, which is the most @ButterTart at Melfest entry of all time

I love everything I've heard from this man

 

[ButterTart]

My favourite of his 23 national final songs is NO SURRENDER, which is the most @ButterTart at Melfest entry of all time

And why has nobody thought to nominate this for national final rate? The lyric and vocal convey such power and conviction with their generic promises to stand up to some vague, undefined obstacle.

 

[Marina Salty]

Imagine how much more fabulous UK politics (and Eurovision) would have been if Malta had joined when it asked to?

No idea this actually was on the table once, but a quick youtube history lesson helped me understand, thanks Kratz!

 

[RJN]

And why has nobody thought to nominate this for national final rate? The lyric and vocal convey such power and conviction with their generic promises to stand up to some vague, undefined obstacle.

I have officially overcome the obstacle of not having enough songs to submit for your rate (thanks to this song) and would like to nominate this

 

[ButterTart]

I have officially overcome the obstacle of not having enough songs to submit for your rate (thanks to this song) and would like to nominate this

I have accepted your kind offer of Fab Fanny and it's been added to the spreadsheet.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

4th: Olivia Lewis - Vertigo (112pts)

Bless Malta - god knows if it's something in the water there or whatever, but it really does seem to have a HABIT of breeding some of the biggest desperados this contest has ever seen. This was Olivia here's eleventh attempt at entering the contest - and she'd finished as a runner-up THREE YEARS IN A ROW before then! (just IMAGINE the state of that green room after that third near-miss!). Anyway, in true comic fashion, the time she finally got the gong she turned up and immediately went straight out in the semis

I did find myself absolutely baffled on revisiting this as to why it failed so spectacularly though. A 15 year old baby gay Pen was absolutely obsessed with this Vella n' Borg nonsense at the time, and always mentally presumed for some reason that it had clattered out of that year's monstrously large semi because she'd fucked the vocals, but going back all seems perfectly in order there - certainly, nothing anywhere near bad enough to explain finishing 25th with a miserly 15 point haul. Maybe just another example of basics being confused why Malta were sending something with an Oriental theme.

Olivia Lewis has not attempted to represent Malta again since.

3 x 12 (@Diddy, @krang, @Kevin7)
2 x 0 (@win_the_game, @Music)

 

[ButterTart]

4th: Olivia Lewis - Vertigo (112pts)

Bless Malta - god knows if it's something in the water there or whatever, but it really does seem to have a HABIT of breeding some of the biggest desperados this contest has ever seen. This was Olivia here's eleventh attempt at entering the contest - and she'd finished as a runner-up THREE YEARS IN A ROW before then! (just IMAGINE the state of that green room after that third near-miss!). Anyway, in true comic fashion, the time she finally got the gong she turned up and immediately went straight out in the semis

I did find myself absolutely baffled on revisiting this as to why it failed so spectacularly though. A 15 year old baby gay Pen was absolutely obsessed with this Vella n' Borg nonsense at the time, and always mentally presumed for some reason that it had clattered out of that year's monstrously large semi because she'd fucked the vocals, but going back all seems perfectly in order there - certainly, nothing anywhere near bad enough to explain finishing 25th with a miserly 15 point haul. Maybe just another example of basics being confused why Malta were sending something with an Oriental theme.

Olivia Lewis has not attempted to represent Malta again since.

3 x 12 (@Diddy, @krang, @Kevin7)
2 x 0 (@win_the_game, @Music)

This is one of the saddest stories I've ever heard.

 

[THEY CALL ME GAJA]

I have officially overcome the obstacle of not having enough songs to submit for your rate (thanks to this song) and would like to nominate this

I have accepted your kind offer of Fab Fanny and it's been added to the spreadsheet.

Hurrah! I’ve been obsessed with it for months

 

[Pingu]

Love this totally unnecessary remix of I Do. The last minute goes OFF.