ButterTart's Christmas Horror Film Countdown

[ButterTart]

15. A Christmas Horror Story (2015)
​

Four interconnecting stories play out on Christmas Eve in the Canadian town of Bailey Downs, all linked together by a radio broadcast by DJ ‘Dangerous’ Dan (William Shatner)

The highest ranking anthology on the list (although it was close between this and Dead of Night), A Christmas Horror Story weaves back and forth between five separate but tangentially connected tales.

1. A vile family visit their rich aunt at Christmas, their grifting and kleptomania inevitably opening a can of Krampus-shaped whoop ass.
2. Three young people become trapped in their school while creating a video report on the ghost that allegedly haunts it.
3. A couple momentarily loses their son while trespassing in order to chop down the perfect Christmas tree. When they find him, they start to believe something demonic has possessed him.
4. The most fun of the stories, The North Pole falls victim to a plague which turns the elves into bloodthirsty zombies. A straight up fantasy-horror, the last minute twist in this tale is what links it to the rest of the movie.
5. Dangerous Dan presents his festive radio show, intermittently reporting on a serious disturbance unfolding at the local mall…

All of the stories are strong, although some are definitely better than others. They all build towards a satisfying climax, the third act twist totally pulling the rug and binding some of the narratives together. There’s something here to please everyone, not least The Shat on fine form as the alcoholic Dangerous Dan, trying to keep up the festive cheer despite the unfolding tragedy at the mall he alludes to throughout. It astonishes me that this has only been out FIVE years, it's such a staple of my yearly viewing that it feels like it's been in my life for a decade at least.

Best bit: The climactic scrap between Santa vs Krampus. It’s stylish and slick and makes me think there needs to be a fighting game based on seasonal characters (@COB we should make this, provisional roster on my desk by Friday, please).

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[Raining on Me]

The woman who played the Mum wrote it as far as I know, and I absolutely love that she gave herself all the vilest lines.

Oh yeah I noticed that! I could have done with her not disappearing mid film but she still gets the lion's share of the fun.

I loved the moody Christmas song that plays at the end too, I'd probably have entered that into ASFM

 

[Raining on Me]

And sex mad brother was fucking HOT. Even with a decapitated head on his cock.

 

[ButterTart]

And sex mad brother was fucking HOT. Even with a decapitated head on his cock.

Well, if you're going to bang your stepmum you need to have something about you.

 

[ButterTart]

Oh yeah I noticed that! I could have done with her not disappearing mid film but she still gets the lion's share of the fun.

I loved the moody Christmas song that plays at the end too, I'd probably have entered that into ASFM

The song from 3615 Code Pere Noel (reviewed above) was ALMOST my official selection.

 

[ButterTart]

14. Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)
​

Teenagers sing and dance their way through the zombie outbreak which has laid waste to the Christmas period in their lovely Scottish town.

Crammed with beloved Scottish TV personalities like… Mark Benton and Paul Kaye, this musical ZomRomCom manages to be relentlessly cheery and festive despite the lashings of gore it serves up. The songs are okay for what they are, but their main function is to regulate the tone of the whole thing. The characters are far from twee and are a likeable, resourceful bunch who, thankfully, the film isn’t overly sentimental towards. Some bold choices are made throughout, such as killing major characters halfway through and thus prematurely ending their storylines. It sounds jarring but, I promise you, it really does work. Paul Kaye is on hamtastic form as the villainous headmaster who is forced to open his school up as a refuge for survivors and the young cast, headed by Ella Hunt as the titular Anna, bring charisma and a charming dynamic to their group of makeshift zombie slayers. There are references to a pandemic in the opening moments and the characters use liberal splashes of hand sanitiser, which leads me to believe we’d best dust off our baseball bats and practice our harmonies because our world’s about to very theatrically go to shit.

Best bit: Anna and John (Malcolm Cumming, which sounds like a different film altogether) skip through the streets singing whimsically about their day, too wrapped up in themselves to notice their neighbours being savagely attacked and eaten all around them.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

13. Pooka! (2018)
​

Struggling actor Wilson (Nyasha Hatendi) takes a job playing the mascot for a new Furby-like Christmas fad called Pooka, and the role soon begins to take over his life.

Pooka! Is actually a feature length episode from the Hulu anthology series Into the Dark. Obviously, since this is only available on Hulu, it’s almost impossible to track down on account of Hulu being a giant dick with the worst business model I’ve ever encountered. It’s available if you’re of a mind to look for it, not necessarily ‘to rent’ but something a bit like that…

Anyway, this is an effective character horror which seems to be setting a course as a fairly comedic tale about a cursed costume, but veers off into altogether darker territory. Wilson’s nightmares and hallucinations start to bleed into his established reality, items seemingly disappear from existence without explanation, and his demeanour towards other characters changes sharply. The film disorients the viewer as much as it does its protagonist, piling question on top of question until the absolute guy-punch of a third act. The main selling point of the Pooka toy is that it switches from ‘good’ to ‘naughty’ mode, and this is mirrored in the costume itself, with Wilson becoming increasingly more hostile with each change from one mode to another – at one point, he physically attacks a child at a birthday party for a minor transgression. There’s not much more I can say without giving everything away and this is one that’s best enjoyed without too much prior knowledge. Pooka has become a breakout horror star in his own right (at least among the eight people Hulu’s shitty business model has permitted to see it), and a sequel has already been released.

Best bit: The ending, which reveals the truth about Wilson, the characters he’s interacted with throughout the film, and why the now defective Pooka toys have all started spouting the same one phrase: “look at all the pretty lights”.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

12. Mum & Dad (2008)
​

Lena (Olga Fedori), a cleaner at Heathrow, is take home by her colleague Birdie (Ainsley Howard), whose ‘parents’ kidnap Lena and force her to join their family.

Quite simply one of the best British horror movies full stop, this makes it onto the list by virtue of the climax taking place over Christmas, although, due to the warped nature of the family, whether it’s genuinely Christmas at all is a matter of conjecture. Mum and Dad are genuine psychopaths, and the family play their roles within the unit in nightmarishly exaggerated fashion – Mum (Dido Miles) is nurturing, Dad (Perry Benson) is a disciplinarian, Elbie (Toby Alexander) and Birdie are the siblings who are by turns obedient and jealous of the new ‘baby’. This is a family that watches porn over breakfast and keeps their mentally handicapped daughter tied up in a back bedroom. Visitors are murdered for their meat or crucified on the wall as Christmas decorations, and Mum and Dad dole out brutal punishments for misbehaviour (in amongst the more casual torture they mete out which they refer to as ‘playing’). Lena is a SPECTACULAR final girl; endlessly defiant, taking every opportunity she can to attempt an escape. The horrendous punishments she receives (At one point she’s put in a suitcase and then hit repeatedly with a hammer) don’t break her, they just harden her resolve to escape the next time she has the chance. Honestly, she’s absolutely brilliant and I was rooting for her as if I’d put a bet on her making it out alive. She’s such a QOL that, although Mum and Dad seem to hold all of the cards, they never seem fully in control. It’s a tough watch but one that I would absolutely say is worth your while.

Best bit: Lena has been ‘given’ to Dad as a Christmas present, and is seemingly tied up and helpless on the bed… Dad enters the room, and Lena begins her fightback. Just an incredible climax to the movie.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[COB]

That sounds AMAZING tbh

 

[ButterTart]

That sounds AMAZING tbh

It really is. I see it cited a lot as one of the best British horrors of the 21st century.

 

[ButterTart]

11. Sint (2010)
​

When the 5th of December coincides with a full moon, Sinterklaas is transformed into a murderous spectre who goes on a killing spree across Amsterdam.

Ah, the Netherlands. That sun-kissed utopia where Christmas is celebrated on the wrong day and they’ve made blackface into a charming festive tradition. It’s also the land of hilariously-named director Dick Maas, who’s responsible for the genuinely amazing Amsterdamned which I demand you go and watch now before reading the rest of the review. Sint marked our Dick’s return to the horror genre and it’s an absolutely fucking marvellous comedy horror. It takes a ludicrous premise and really runs with it, turning Sinterklaas into an unstoppable force of nature who the protagonists are acutely aware they have no hope of beating. Goert (Bert Luppes) was the only survivor of a family massacre in 1968 and is suitably eccentric in his efforts to warn people of the impending catastrophe. For the most part played with goofy relish, there’s a vein of darkness to the film – an entire maternity ward is wiped out and, later in the film, its revealed that the authorities knew the massacre would happen and have already devised cover stories for the destruction. As with Amsterdamned, the lattice of canals in the Dutch capital make for a labyrinthine, atmospheric setting. The kills here are brief but effective, and the whole thing is a fascinating insight into the how the feast of Saint Nicholas is celebrated in the Netherlands – the army of murderous Zwarte Pieten used to do Sinterklaas’ bidding still somehow manage to be more tasteful than the numerous images of people blacked up for a night out. Sure, it might not be the most cerebral movie on this list but there aren't many I'm gagging to watch more than this when the season of goodwill rolls around.

Best bit: The scene of Klaas’ ghost ship powering into the estuary and demolishing a patrol boat always sticks in my head, but for the fun of it all I have to go with hapless Frank (Egbert Jan Weeber) escaping from a horde of Zwarte Pieten in his car, managing to messily take a ton of them down through pure accident rather than any deliberate heroics.


Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

Those of you with a keen grasp of mathematics will know that 11 is widely regarded as the 11th number, which means that there are only TEN more films to go. Let's have a look at the list of stocking fillers before we open our main presents.

11. Sint (2010)
12. Mum & Dad (2008)
13. Pooka! (2018)
14. Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)
15. A Christmas Horror Story (2015)
16. 3615 code Père Noël (1989)
17. Dead of Night (1945)
18. El dia de la Bestia (1995)
19. The Conjuring 2 (2016)
20. Christmas Presence
21. Secret Santa (2018)
22. Calvaire (2004)
23. Santa’s Slay (2005)
24. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
25. Kristy (2014)
26. Sheitan (2006)
27. Christmas Cruelty! (2013)
28. The Night Sitter (2018)
29. Red Christmas (2016)
30. Gremlins (1984)
31. Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)
32. Clinical (2017)
33. Black Christmas (2006)
34. Christmas Evil (1980)
35. Alien Raiders (2008)
36. Juleblod (2017)
37. The Toybox (2005)
38. Black Cadillac (2003)
39. Holidays (2016)
40. P2 (2007)
41. Await Further Instructions (2018)
42. Deep Red (1975)
43. Mercy Christmas (2017)
44. Lake Alice (2018)
45. While She Was Out (2008)
46. Good Tidings (2016)
47. Once Upon a Time at Christmas (2017)
48. Night of the Comet (1984)
49. Body (2015)
50. Mr Corbett’s Ghost (1987)
51. Killer Christmas (2017)
52. Night Visitors (1987)
53. Antisocial (2013)
54. New Year’s Evil (1980)
55. Home For the Holidays (1972)
56. The Blackout (2009)
57. Sole Survivor (1984)
58. Bloodbeat (1982)
59. Black Christmas (2019)
60. Wind Chill (2007)
61. Jack Frost (1997)
62. To All a Goodnight (1980)
63. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015)
64. Last Stop on the Night Train (1975)
65. The Traveller (2010)
66. Mother Krampus (2017)
67. The Nights Before Christmas (2019)
68. Dismembering Christmas (2015)
69. Christmas Slay (2015)
70. All Through the House (2015)
71. Mrs Claus (2018)
72. American Exorcist (2018)
73. The Dorm That Dripped Blood (1982)
74. Holiday Hell (2019)
75. I Trapped the Devil (2019)
76. Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972)
77. Mother Krampus 2: Slay Ride (2018)
78. Slay Belles (2018)
79. Unholy Night (2019)
80. Krampus Unleashed (2016)
81. Secret Santa (2015)
82. ATM (2012)
83. Krampus: The Reckoning (2015)
84. Stalled (2013)
85. The Elf (2017)
86. Dead by Christmas (2018)
87. Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming (2013)
88. The Damned Within the Shadows (2001)
89. Cruel Peter (2019)
90. Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2014)
91. Two Front Teeth (2006)
92. One Hell of a Christmas (2002)
93. Ugly Sweater Party (2018)
94. Evil Elves (2018)
95. Family Reunion (1989)
96. Elves (1989)
97. Krampus Origins (2018)
98. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)
99. Sick For Toys (2018)
100. Let's Kill Grandpa (2017)

 

[ButterTart]

The top ten will commenceth tomorrow (technically later today, given that it's past midnight). What films are you expecting to see in there?

 

[ZenGiraffe]

12. Mum & Dad (2008)
​

Lena (Olga Fedori), a cleaner at Heathrow, is take home by her colleague Birdie (Ainsley Howard), whose ‘parents’ kidnap Lena and force her to join their family.

Quite simply one of the best British horror movies full stop, this makes it onto the list by virtue of the climax taking place over Christmas, although, due to the warped nature of the family, whether it’s genuinely Christmas at all is a matter of conjecture. Mum and Dad are genuine psychopaths, and the family play their roles within the unit in nightmarishly exaggerated fashion – Mum (Dido Miles) is nurturing, Dad (Perry Benson) is a disciplinarian, Elbie (Toby Alexander) and Birdie are the siblings who are by turns obedient and jealous of the new ‘baby’. This is a family that watches porn over breakfast and keeps their mentally handicapped daughter tied up in a back bedroom. Visitors are murdered for their meat or crucified on the wall as Christmas decorations, and Mum and Dad dole out brutal punishments for misbehaviour (in amongst the more casual torture they mete out which they refer to as ‘playing’). Lena is a SPECTACULAR final girl; endlessly defiant, taking every opportunity she can to attempt an escape. The horrendous punishments she receives (At one point she’s put in a suitcase and then hit repeatedly with a hammer) don’t break her, they just harden her resolve to escape the next time she has the chance. Honestly, she’s absolutely brilliant and I was rooting for her as if I’d put a bet on her making it out alive. She’s such a QOL that, although Mum and Dad seem to hold all of the cards, they never seem fully in control. It’s a tough watch but one that I would absolutely say is worth your while.

Best bit: Lena has been ‘given’ to Dad as a Christmas present, and is seemingly tied up and helpless on the bed… Dad enters the room, and Lena begins her fightback. Just an incredible climax to the movie.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

Oh my god I have seen this one!

It was good, though they really overused airport and airplane cutaways to the point where it right did my tits in.

 

[ButterTart]

Oh my god I have seen this one!

It was good, though they really overused airport and airplane cutaways to the point where it right did my tits in.

But they represented freedom n shit!

 

[Raining on Me]

The top ten will commenceth tomorrow (technically later today, given that it's past midnight). What films are you expecting to see in there?

I'll assume for definite:

Better Watch Out
Dead End
Inside (or its French title)
The Drunk Barb Show

One would hope!

 

[Raining on Me]

And maybe the 2015 Krampus with Toni Collette unless that's been and gone

 

[Raining on Me]

There's a lot of highly rated ones like The Lodge and Rare Exports I've not seen so they might show up

 

[Raining on Me]

Mum & Dad was ace but like many decent horror films I'd entirely forgotten it existed until you just mentioned it. Will have to watch that again.

Love the William Shatner one too

Sint sounds essential!

 

[Raining on Me]

Ooh and maybe The Nightmare Before Christmas could be a fun addition to the top 10. It might be animated and aimed at kids but it sort of fits in in a Gremlins style way...

 

[ButterTart]

There are some excellent guesses here. I don’t want to give too much away but at least some of them are correct...

 

[ButterTart]

Mum & Dad was ace but like many decent horror films I'd entirely forgotten it existed until you just mentioned it. Will have to watch that again.

Love the William Shatner one too

Sint sounds essential!

Sint was savaged by the critics (only the Dutch ones, in fairness) but it’s definitely built a solid fan base ever since. I love any film you can describe as a ‘romp’ and it absolutely fits that bill.

 

[ButterTart]

10. Krampus (2015)
​

An extended family are forced to squash their beef when Krampus comes a-calling on Christmas Eve.

This is it, lads, this is the one that makes all those atrocious own brand Krampus movies worth watching. This is the OG Krampus movie and, by Jingo, it’s absolutely KRAMPULOUS. The cast assembled for this film is truly stellar, most notably Toni Collette, who basically needs the Oscars to create the category of ‘Best Performance as a Harried Housewife’ so that she can clean up year on year. Everyone tackles their roles with aplomb and really sells both the horror and the comical absurdity of their situation. The film itself pitches itself at the intersection of horror and fantasy, chucking in liberal doses of comedy for good measure and, for the most part, is a storming success. Krampus is portrayed as a pitiless brute, striking down his victims in a refreshingly unusual order (Some of the ‘naughtiest’ characters last a Hell of a lot longer than most of the nice ones) and this is a film where children aren’t spared any trauma just because of their age. The family are also forced to contend with killer toys, satisfying the fantasy quota, as well as the formidable Aunt Dorothy (the late Conchata Ferrell) a surprise guest greeted by Toni Collette’s Sarah with barely concealed dread, and who wastes no time lashing people with her tongue and proving her credentials as the best character in the entire movie (“it looks like Martha Stewart threw up in here”). Every family member gets a chance to shine, or at least a shot at redemption, and the shifting dynamic as the more passive characters assume leadership roles is part of what makes it so much fun to watch. It loses a point for the needless downer ending; I don’t know what you think about it but, to me, it undermines everything the characters have learned throughout the rest of the film. Up until that point, it’s an absolute smasher that maintains a frantic pace and potent emotional core right from the opening scene.

Best bit: Beth (Stefania LaVie Owen) braves the blizzard to go and check on her boyfriend and instead finds a DHL van with its driver dead in the front seat. This is our first clear look at Krampus himself and Beth’s ‘death’ is the furthest the film strays into outright slasher territory. It really works.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

9. Whoever Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
​

Shelley Winters stars as Auntie Roo, a kindly old spinster who throws a lavish party each Christmas and invites children from the local orphanage to attend. Because this is a horror film, she’s obviously hiding a terrible secret.

A Grande Dame Guignol feature set in pre-war England and loosely based on Hansel & Gretel? I’ll take two! Is it, objectively speaking, one of the best films on this list? No! Do I enjoy it far, far more than almost every other Christmas horror in existence? A hearty YES!

This is as Christmassy as Noddy Holder banging Darlene Love in a bath of mulled wine, the sort of delightful festive romp that’s been purpose built to inject festive cheer directly into your eyeballs. Big Shell absolutely smashes it out of the park, leaving bite marks in the scenery as the jovial kidnapper Auntie Roo, while at the same time possessing the acting chops to convey the inherent darkness and tragedy writhing around beneath her effervescent exterior. Mark Lester and Chloe Franks are perfectly adequate as Christopher and Katy, the children who become unwilling residents of Roo’s shambling manor and who are by no means the sweet, innocent little cherubs of your standard Christmas feature. The film lays the Hansel & Gretel references on with a trowel, but is astute enough to make Christopher and Katy unreliable narrators, leaving the viewer uncertain as to how much of Roo’s behaviour towards the end of the film is real and how much is just the overactive imagination of two damaged children in need of an ogre to vanquish. I make no claim that the film is perfect – the acting from the orphans at the party makes me long for the days before the MMR jab when survival of the fittest would have weeded some of these little turnips out (“This pen is just what I wanted” Such ACTING). I also don’t understand why Roo feels the need to kidnap Katy; she’s an orphan, she could have been adopted quite legally without any of this fuss. These are, however, minor gripes about what is one of the most endearing – yet surprisingly sinister – movies on this list.

Best bit: All of it, but for pure shock (and also ) value it’s Roo cradling the skeletal remains of her daughter as if she were a living child, establishing the innate tragedy and delusion that shapes her actions for the rest of the film.


Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

8. Dead End (2003)
​

A bickering family find themselves driving down a seemingly endless stretch of road on Christmas Eve. Whenever they stop, one of them dies.

In which Lin Shaye quite literally frigs her own brains out.

I’ll be honest, I’m pleasantly surprised this made my top ten. I watched it dozens of times when it was first released and then all but forgot about it until it came to doing this ranking. It’s lost none of the character, the charm or the oppressive sense of foreboding it had on its release seventeen years ago – in fact, I think I appreciate it MORE now in light of just how much it achieves with so comparatively little to work with. The family are fleshed out, fully realised characters with a believable dynamic that makes their grief each time one of them is taken by the mysterious black hearse all the more gut wrenching. It was actually the interaction between sulky teenager Richard (Mick Cain) and his sister’s smug boyfriend Brad (Billy Asher), hostile, snarky antipathy that made me wish they’d have lasted longer so we could see them being forced to co-operate. The unending road becomes genuinely claustrophobic and downright scary as the film progresses (Lin Shaye’s Laura waving to unseen faces in the dense forest on either side gets me every time) and I like that the characters do exactly what I would have done to try to escape, so there’s no cause to scream in frustration at the telly. The comedy is also perfectly judged, and is largely carried by Laura and Frank (Ray Wise) as one of the most believable parental units in horror history. Lin Shaye is downright hilarious after suffering a breakdown part way through, devouring an entire pie and cheerily enthusing about it to her distraught husband and daughter (Alexandra Holden). It’s been out of my life for far too long and I’m so thrilled to have rediscovered it.

Best bit: Lin Shaye. In fairness, the cast are uniformly excellent, but this is Lin’s movie. From pathos, to palpable grief, to rage, to insanity, all while nailing some of the bleakest gallows humour imaginable, this is an absolute masterclass. Laura is absolutely one of my favourite horror characters and I’m chuffed to bits that Lin Shaye has gone on to carve out her niche as a horror icon.


Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

7. The Lodge (2019)
​

Grace (Riley Keough) is left in charge of her fiancé’s two children, Aiden (Jaeden Martell) and Mia (Lia McHugh) at an isolated cabin, as mysterious forces start to threaten her grip on sanity.

Hammer Alicia Silverstone who shoots herself in the first ten minutes but that’s not a spoiler because it’s what drives the entire movie

I went into this knowing absolutely nothing about it, which turns out to be the best way to appreciate it. Bleak, hostile and quite wilfully cruel, this one knocked me about. It felt like I was a toilet attendant and The Lodge was Cheryl Cole with a hankering for a lollipop. It’s a real slow burn, carefully taking the time to lay the groundwork and craft a believable reason for Richard (Richard Armitage) to leave his children in the temporary care of a woman they can’t stand. Grace is a former cult member who has battled to regain her place in society, and her isolation and fervent desire to be accepted makes her an interesting, layered protagonist. The film excels in the subtle escalation of horror – Grace’s medication goes missing, mysterious snow angels appear outside overnight, Grace’s dog disappears, the power goes out and almost all of the food is taken from the kitchen. Most unsettling is the fact that the clocks have all stopped, and the date on them is the 9th of January (Although it’s still pre-Christmas as far as any of the characters know). It wants the viewer to reach certain conclusions, actively encourages you to guess the twist – even letting one of the characters vocalise it - before completely pulling the rug. The cast are excellent, including the two children, who play the volatility and deep seated trauma of their characters fantastically. Everything builds to a perfectly judged final act, which is relentlessly disturbing and boasts stunning performances from the four principal actors. This is one of the newest films on the list and I’ve only seen it the once, which I hope speaks volumes about just how jaw-dropping I think it is.

Best bit: That ending. It’s grim, unsettling and absolutely the correct decision on the part of the filmmakers. I’ll say no more about it other than that it treats you to the most harrowing rendition of Nearer My God to Thee since Titanic.


Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

6. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
​

It’s Christmas in Lapland, and an excavation site at Korvatunturi accidentally unleashes an ancient force. Meanwhile, local children go missing, as does every heat-emitting appliance in each home.

First of all, Finnish horror really needs to be more of a thing (@Lume pls ring the government to arrange). Second of all, if you’ve not seen this then I heartily condole thee and urge you to find it at your earliest convenience (Pretty sure it’s on Amazon Prime).

As a Christmas film set in Lapland, this is instantly a 12455 on the festivity scale. Like all Finnish people, the protagonists here are reindeer farmers, and our lead character Pietari (Onni Tommila) boasts a ferocious mullet and a strained, distant relationship with his father Rauno (Jorma Tommila). There’s an undercurrent of deep sadness that persists throughout the film, lending it a gravitas and an emotional core that keeps it grounded throughout the wilder excesses of the story. The traps lain by Rauno inadvertently ensnare a feral old man, who is soon suspected of being Father Christmas. Although the old man is wild and predatory, there’s not much in the way of violence in Rare Exports. It takes a detour into full action-fantasy in the latter half, as the captive old man is joined by a legion of other old men, all naked as the day they were born (paging @Zu-Klara), but it’s the humanity of each of the characters which truly propels the film; there’s a raw emotional centre to the film, despite the subdued, jaded nature of the protagonists. This is all the more impressive considering the near-total absence of female characters. Definitely a horror movie, but one which embraces the fantastic and will leave you feeling absolutely marvellous by the time the credits roll, this is a genuine oddity but a hugely rewarding way to spend an hour and a half.

Best bit: We’re finally introduced to Santa, in the process resolving the mystery of the missing children and heating appliances. I won’t say much more than that, but the final act operates on an impressively vast scale which tips it into the category of classic Christmas movies, horror or otherwise.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[Phoenix]

A bit late but I hated Anna and the Apocalypse, the tone was all over the place.

Who Slew Auntie Roo sounds like an essential viewing.

 

[ButterTart]

Who Slew Auntie Roo sounds like an essential viewing.

It really is. I don't know if it's actually good but I also don't care, it's the only film I can think of that simultaneously reminds me of Bedknobs & Broomsticks and Misery.

 

[Raining on Me]

10. Krampus (2015)
​

An extended family are forced to squash their beef when Krampus comes a-calling on Christmas Eve.

This is it, lads, this is the one that makes all those atrocious own brand Krampus movies worth watching. This is the OG Krampus movie and, by Jingo, it’s absolutely KRAMPULOUS. The cast assembled for this film is truly stellar, most notably Toni Collette, who basically needs the Oscars to create the category of ‘Best Performance as a Harried Housewife’ so that she can clean up year on year. Everyone tackles their roles with aplomb and really sells both the horror and the comical absurdity of their situation. The film itself pitches itself at the intersection of horror and fantasy, chucking in liberal doses of comedy for good measure and, for the most part, is a storming success. Krampus is portrayed as a pitiless brute, striking down his victims in a refreshingly unusual order (Some of the ‘naughtiest’ characters last a Hell of a lot longer than most of the nice ones) and this is a film where children aren’t spared any trauma just because of their age. The family are also forced to contend with killer toys, satisfying the fantasy quota, as well as the formidable Aunt Dorothy (the late Conchata Ferrell) a surprise guest greeted by Toni Collette’s Sarah with barely concealed dread, and who wastes no time lashing people with her tongue and proving her credentials as the best character in the entire movie (“it looks like Martha Stewart threw up in here”). Every family member gets a chance to shine, or at least a shot at redemption, and the shifting dynamic as the more passive characters assume leadership roles is part of what makes it so much fun to watch. It loses a point for the needless downer ending; I don’t know what you think about it but, to me, it undermines everything the characters have learned throughout the rest of the film. Up until that point, it’s an absolute smasher that maintains a frantic pace and potent emotional core right from the opening scene.

Best bit: Beth (Stefania LaVie Owen) braves the blizzard to go and check on her boyfriend and instead finds a DHL van with its driver dead in the front seat. This is our first clear look at Krampus himself and Beth’s ‘death’ is the furthest the film strays into outright slasher territory. It really works.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

I started watching this again last night but got tired and went to bed. I'll finish it today.

It's ace all round really, although agree about the ending. I wouldn't say it's one of the finest horrors made but it's so exciting to see a horror film (a Christmas horror, no less) with a half decent budget getting a big push with a proper cinematic release. It's so rare to see.

Toni Collette obviously adds huge gravitas to it, but everyone is well written for and the comedy definitely works.

 

[Raining on Me]

8. Dead End (2003)
​

A bickering family find themselves driving down a seemingly endless stretch of road on Christmas Eve. Whenever they stop, one of them dies.

In which Lin Shaye quite literally frigs her own brains out.

I’ll be honest, I’m pleasantly surprised this made my top ten. I watched it dozens of times when it was first released and then all but forgot about it until it came to doing this ranking. It’s lost none of the character, the charm or the oppressive sense of foreboding it had on its release seventeen years ago – in fact, I think I appreciate it MORE now in light of just how much it achieves with so comparatively little to work with. The family are fleshed out, fully realised characters with a believable dynamic that makes their grief each time one of them is taken by the mysterious black hearse all the more gut wrenching. It was actually the interaction between sulky teenager Richard (Mick Cain) and his sister’s smug boyfriend Brad (Billy Asher), hostile, snarky antipathy that made me wish they’d have lasted longer so we could see them being forced to co-operate. The unending road becomes genuinely claustrophobic and downright scary as the film progresses (Lin Shaye’s Laura waving to unseen faces in the dense forest on either side gets me every time) and I like that the characters do exactly what I would have done to try to escape, so there’s no cause to scream in frustration at the telly. The comedy is also perfectly judged, and is largely carried by Laura and Frank (Ray Wise) as one of the most believable parental units in horror history. Lin Shaye is downright hilarious after suffering a breakdown part way through, devouring an entire pie and cheerily enthusing about it to her distraught husband and daughter (Alexandra Holden). It’s been out of my life for far too long and I’m so thrilled to have rediscovered it.

Best bit: Lin Shaye. In fairness, the cast are uniformly excellent, but this is Lin’s movie. From pathos, to palpable grief, to rage, to insanity, all while nailing some of the bleakest gallows humour imaginable, this is an absolute masterclass. Laura is absolutely one of my favourite horror characters and I’m chuffed to bits that Lin Shaye has gone on to carve out her niche as a horror icon.


Weihnachtstische out of ten:

YAY

It's stunning and agree with everything there. Like you I watched it plenty of times way back when, but I'm long overdue another viewing.

Initially I wasn't sure of that ending. In most scenarios it would seem like the cheap, easy option. However I feel it makes the whole scenario more depressing being Christmas and all

 

[Raining on Me]

In which Lin Shaye quite literally frigs her own brains out.​

She really does I've never forgotten it.

 

[Raining on Me]

Will try to watch Rare Exports and The Lodge this week, not sure how the latter has passed me by to be honest.

 

[ButterTart]

YAY

It's stunning and agree with everything there. Like you I watched it plenty of times way back when, but I'm long overdue another viewing.

Initially I wasn't sure of that ending. In most scenarios it would seem like the cheap, easy option. However I feel it makes the whole scenario more depressing being Christmas and all

The ending didn’t feel as overdone back then as it does now. It’s become almost trite these days, but a simple story like this needed a straightforward twist I think.

 

[ButterTart]

5. Silent Night (2012)
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A nutjob in a Santa suit descends upon the town of Cryer, Wisconsin, targeting anyone he believes to be ‘naughty’.

I feel like putting this in my top five Christmas horror films is quite a bold decision and I know there’ll be those among you who think it’s a load of cack.

As far as I’m concerned, this is one of the absolute best slashers of the last decade, and it’s a PROPER slasher. No gimmicks, no twists, just a parade of characters getting bumped off in some of the most brutally effective set-pieces I’ve seen in a long, long time. It’s a loose remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night but, aside from some subtle references, shares very little in common with its predecessor other than insatiable bloodlust. Our protagonist, Deputy Aubrey Bradimore (Jaime King) is likeable, forthright and capable. She’s surrounded by an eclectic cast of characters with substance and identity, the best of whom is Sheriff Cooper (Malcolm McDowell ), Bradimore’s vainglorious and comically inept superior. The writing here is sharp, with a vein of goofiness that allows the film to maintain a blackly comic tone throughout. I really like the interactions Bradimore has with other characters – she feels fleshed out and fully realised, an ordinary person with loving parents and annoying co-workers; there are no skeletons in her closet, which makes her such an appealing, relatable protagonist. It also heightens the horror of what unfolds in Cryer on this Christmas Eve, as Silent Night delivers carnage on an impressive scale. Honestly, it’s as brutal as it is ridiculously good fun; heads are split in twain, someone is impaled on a mounted stag’s head (in an homage to the original movie) and, most entertainingly of all, a vile, spoilt child is electrocuted to death (on screen) with a Taser. There’s a fairy lights strangulation but I’ll not make a scene. The film is wisely light on exposition, offering scant explanation as to the killer’s identity. The brevity of backstory makes the murderer all the more threatening and omnipresent (are you listening, Rob Zombie?) and leaves him free to get on with offing the townsfolk, which is the bit we came to see in the first place.

Best bit: A ‘contemporary’ photoshoot is interrupted by the killer, murdering Goldie (Kelly Wolfman) with a vertical scythe to the abdomen, and taking out Frank (Aaron Hughes). Their model, Maria (Cortney Palm), manages to escape by falling out of the bathroom window and is chased into a Christmas Tree retail yard with her bobs on full display throughout. The killed catches up to her, hacks one of her legs off, then slowly feeds her – foot first – into a woodchipper. It’s elaborate, intricate, gratuitous and INSANELY violent, and is absolutely my favourite kill sequence on this entire list.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

4. Better Watch Out (2016)
​

Ashley (Olivia DeJonge) babysits 12 year old Luke (Levi Miller) in the run up to Christmas, and must protect him from the menacing stranger trying to break into the house.

Every film from this point onwards was winning this rate at one point or another. Considering Better Watch Out is only four years old, such a high placing hopefully speaks for its quality.

This has quickly become essential Christmas viewing for me; I can’t imagine getting all the way through December without watching it at least once. It’s an absolute tour de force which completely wrong-footed me the first time I watched it. It’s also a bugger to review without giving too much away. I can well imagine the majority of both of my regular readers will already have watched it, but I’m not about to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t.

This film is an absolute RIOT from start to finish. Boundlessly entertaining, surprisingly dark, and with one of the best endings on the list. People who turn up at the house are bumped off in inventive ways and, even when the pace drops, the pervasive menace remains. The film’s greatest strength is its cast, from Patrick Warburton and Virginia Madsen in extended cameos as Luke’s parents, to Ed Oxenbould as Luke’s stoner best friend, to Olivia DeJonge, who ably carries both the action and emotional core of the film as the resourceful, defiant Ashley. This is, however, very much Levi Miller’s film. Just 13 years old when Better Watch Out was shot, he turns in a genuinely astonishing performance as Luke. A bit whiny, a lot cocky, and desperately in love with Ashley, I can’t understate how good he is. Whether his voice breaking throughout was a deliberate acting choice or just sheer good timing, it really helps to underpin the fact that he’s on the cusp of the adulthood he so craves, but in truth is still very much a child. Luke is among my favourite ever horror characters, no mean feat since I’m usually rooting for the child to be the first one killed (which got me thrown out of more than one showing of Miracle on 34th Street, let me tell you). Incidentally, this was filmed in Australia but, somehow, still manages to look unbelievably Christmassy.

I’ll not say much more because this is better left a mystery to anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, but I really can’t recommend it enough.

Best bit: The film’s piece de resistance and by far its most iconic scene, the killer decides to put some of the traps from Home Alone to the test, wanting a definite answer as to whether taking a swinging paint-pot to the face would prove fatal. Ashley’s boyfriend Ricky (Aleks Mikic) is chosen as the test subject, and the killer gets his answer. The whole scene (including a first attempt which misses its target by inches) is so well done, and the killer’s exuberance at Ricky’s head being crushed is one of the best moments of black comedy in the entire film.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[jivafox]

An absolute JOY, and definitely better to go in completely blind. I’ve never wanted to see a killer get their comeuppance on screen SO MUCH.

 

[BoysForSeles]

The scenes in that trailer look very familiar so I can only assume I’ve watched that pissed at some point.

 

[ButterTart]

3. Inside (2007)
​

Sarah (Alysson Paradis) is all alone on Christmas Eve. Heavily pregnant and recently widowed, she must now fight for her life when a psychopathic stranger (Béatrice Dalle) breaks into her home.

Let me preface this by saying Inside is my favourite horror film of all time. To me, it’s almost perfect (We’ll come back to the ‘almost’ part later) and would normally lay waste to any ranking I included it in.

For why, then, isn’t it number one HERE? Because, dear reader, it’s about as festive as a botched smear. It’s set at Christmas, Christmas is referenced throughout, and the few exterior shots are authentically sparse and wintry, but everyone in it is having such a miserable time that it’s the absolute last thing I’d want to watch if I needed to feel good will to all men.

What it is, however, is a blistering example of New French Extremity. To my mind, THE best example, although Frontiers might have a little something to say about that. Inside is violent. Unbelievably violent. By some distance, the most violent film on this list. By the end, it’s quite literally soaked in blood. It also doesn’t want the viewer to revel in the brutality on offer, as injuries sustained are often followed up with in-utero shots of Sarah’s baby in distress. The violence is almost orgiastic but, paradoxically, the film reminds us that these are human beings first and foremost, to the point where Sarah’s suffering becomes genuinely uncomfortable to us. Characters enter the house with surprising regularity (I think Sarah has six visitors over the course of the night), teasing salvation with cleverly staged, fantastically tense scenes which offer just a glimmer of hope before The Woman turns the tables. For her part, Sarah spends the majority of the movie locked in the comparative safety of her bathroom, cowering in fear and pain until she summons the courage for a counter attack. The attacker, simply referred to as ‘The Woman’ is a true work of art, so unhinged and inhuman that taking down people larger and physically stronger than her seems absolutely plausible. As we learn more of her, we discover the tragedy she’s endured and her motive, if not her actions, becomes more clearly defined and, in a twisted way, understandable. The secondary characters are interesting and, for the most part, make good decisions. This is where the almost perfect part comes in, when a policeman (Nicolas Duvauchelle) waits in his patrol car with a young arrestee (Aymen Saïdi) as his two colleagues enter the house. Realising they’ve been gone a while, he decides to investigate and, instead of calling for backup and ensuring the prisoner is secure, handcuffs himself to him and drags him into an active crime scene. It’s a daft scene that briefly undermines the grittiness of the movie, although the prison, Abdel, does deliver some amazing fear acting that ultimately adds to the tension and builds the mythology surrounding the woman. That’s a minor, minor gripe, and the only one I have about a film that still excites, shocks and exhausts me as much now as it did when I first watched it.

N.B: The remake doesn’t make the list, in keeping with my policy of denying its existence.

Best bit: Poor, sweet Jean-Pierre (François-Régis Marchasson) just popped round to check on Sarah. For his trouble, he’s stabbed through the knee (VILE), then in the groin and neck, all in punishingly graphic detail. The siren-like incidental music throughout this scene is PHENOMENAL.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[jivafox]

An absolute tour de force of HORROR. I remember forcing my ex flat mate to watch it and she was halfway through telling me to pause it as she wanted to go for a cigarette when the HEAD EXPLOSION happened and it rendered her absolutely speechless